


The deafening silence

by Comicfan



Series: Unsent [4]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-13 14:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20584100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comicfan/pseuds/Comicfan
Summary: The family is going through a crisis and Alfred knows he isn't blameless. Can Jason forgive him? Should he?





	The deafening silence

**Author's Note:**

> Alfred has done some less than stellar things that no one has held him accountable for. I'm not bringing up We Are Robin because that doesn't keep the focus on his relationship with Jason. I bring up a few things from older books and more recent stories.

Dear Jason,

Oh my dear boy, how I wish I had the courage to face you and admit these transgressions in person. I know my weaknesses, chief amoung them is enabling Bruce when his worse impulses surface. I have failed him in many ways over the years but I fear I have done far worse by you, Jason. With my continued silence or worse...my resurrances that he is in the right. I confess I've "throw you under the bus" in the past in an attempt to ease the burden of guilt he felt in your passing. Even though I did blame him at the time I said otherwise. I thought it didn't matter in the long run as you were gone and he was still amoung the living. I saw far too late what a disservice I did to both of you by saying such things.

I helped start a false narrative about you that has been taken as gospel. Promoting the idea of you not being a good enough partner for him in the field. Saying that you were more reckless than Dick and the rest. Those are falsehoods that besmirched your memory and now tarnish how you are seen. It sadly colors the way Bruce and you interact. In truth I believe it helped shape everyone's view of you and for that I sincerely apologize. I know it doesn't change a damn thing, nevertheless I regret creating the great lie.

Even to this day we all hear whispers of it, I know Damian has outright stated it to your face. The damage has been done and I don't know if it can be reversed. I see hurt in your eyes when it's snidely referenced and feel the weight in your gaze when I once again show where my loyalties lie with my inaction.

When Bruce wrongs you--any of you--I notice that you won't seek my guidance in such matters. Either because I have sided with Bruce in the past or I have nothing of value to say. I was angered after Joker poisioned us and the family was at odds with Bruce when we lost Damian. I acted poorly and--especially with you--ignored how much all of you suffered. I shouldn't--no one should--act like your pain doesn't matter. Yet I keep repeating the same patterns because I still feel such a strong urge to protect him. I want Bruce to be happy so damn the consequences and those I hurt in order to put him first.

I even kept you in the dark when I shouldn't have, never informing you that he was alive when he lost his memory. I kept all of his children away from him in the hope of Bruce retaining a normal life. If he remembered his sons surely he would recall Batman. I admit what I did was despicable, I have no excuses for it.

I'm well aware of my faults and inablity to break the cycle.

We haven't spoken much about your strained relationship with Bruce but you tend to inquire if he regretted bringing you into the fold. I suppose it's a small wonder you hardly believe any of my reassurances. You did attempt to discuss the Penguin matter with me. Did I try to offer council or reassure you? No, I brushed off your concerns when you were bearing your soul. You were clearly at a moral crossroad. As usual I was too blind and inconsiderate to see.

Yes, I extended an invitation but did I give you enough of an indication that you were missed? Do you ever truly feel welcomed at the manor? Perhaps not, you never linger longer than you need to and usual try to avoid Bruce.

Then that terrible night happened, I knew he was angry and feared what that meant. I should have told Dick, Tim and the others to stop him. I should have told **him** to reconsider what he was about to do. I should have done a number of things but I knew nothing would stop him. Instead of making an effort I stood by saying I wished things hadn't turned out the way they had.

Once more my silence--rather my inabilty to stop him--resulted in a terrible outcome for you.

Good lord, I could only stare in shock when he returned to the cave. As I'm sure you are well aware his rage burns bright. It can't be ignored and can suffocate all in it's presence. I didn't think it was possible to fear for your wellbeing more than I had earlier that night. The way he shook as he frantically searched cameras...it was frightening. I scarcely believe my abiltiy to form words at the time. I asked what had happened and he had tossed a single red arrow onto the desk. That was answer enough and filled me with hope that you had escaped his wrath.

That didn't happen, did it Jason?

It was a nice fantasy I deluded myself with to excuse my lack of action. If Roy Harper had shown up then _surely_ he had arrived in a timely fashion to help you evade the worse of Batman's fury. I even entertained the idea of _Oliver Queen_ getting involved. Deep down I knew the truth, I just didn't want to believe it.

We never want to think ill of those we love.

I tried to stop Damian from going after you and from stealing something that didn't belong to him. But I knew he had too much of his father in him. They only see their faults when it's too late and I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry that I failed you, Jason. All I seem to do is fail you.

Even so...did you have to invoke his anger by shooting Penguin or announcing to the world that Jason Todd was taking over the Iceberg? Yes, I am well aware how confrontational that sounds. As if I am once more leveling blame onto you for his reactions. I just want you to be sensible, Jason. Not to egg him on when he's already in such a state. I fear for what that will mean for you.

It pains me to know he's like this, to know I am at fault for not raising him better. I have never been able to help him successfully master his anger. Despite what many believe I'm not ignorant of his behavior...yet I no longer address it. I gave up and lord knows what damage has been done because I failed to teach him a better way.

Oh Bruce and I both give ourselves hearty pats on the back for taking you in. We weave self-congratulatory tales of how you would have _surely_ perished or taken a darker path if he didn't bring you to the manor. Only...that's not quite true, is it? We assume that our way is the best and that you needed our guidance. As if you would have automatically turned into a vile criminal mastermind when you always put others needs above your own. Then we pretend you weren't enough of a hero or you weren't good enough in general to survive. We wash our hands of our responsiblities, set rules for you then keep lifting the bar to have it _just_ out of reach.

Sometimes I wonder if you would have been better off away from this madness. I do not believe any of this started out of a place of malice. I started the lie and by the time you returned we were all already set in our ways. It's hard to say for sure but I do not believe much would have changed if you hadn't become the Red Hood. The distance, the victim blaming...I think it would still be present.

It's not right in the slightest and I do not know what to do to change it. I previously tried to get Bruce to write his feelings down in a journal and even write as if he was speaking to you boys. I do not know if he still uses it. I just wanted him to deal with his emotions instead of ignoring them. That was what led to your confrontation with him. Bruce is so bloody cut off he is incapable of expressing his emotions in a healthy way.

For one brief moment I wondered if it was possible to have you two patch things up. Bruce seemed more open to the idea after the loss of your friend. Then that business with the Iceburg and Damian happened. ...I was exasperated with the two of them when you were chosen as the prime suspect for Leviathan. At this point their both toss away logic because of their bruised egos. Still, I suppose that's a step up from me as I won't even voice my concerns.

I miss you each day, the cruel irony is that your case in the cave serves as a daily reminder. I never asked you how you felt about it, if you wished that it was removed. I suppose I know what the answer would be but as is my way I put his desires first. Bruce needs the case even though you are alive and well once more. I wonder if he has ever spared a thought to how you see it. He can be rather thoughtless at times, perhaps he gets that from me. If I had to hazard a guess I suppose he still has trouble accepting the fact that you have returned from the dead. It's a mystery he hasn't solved and I know that Bruce doesn't like loose ends. The unknown makes him uneasy and he's never truly believed in miracles. Nothing comes free and there is usually a price to pay that he finds unacceptable.

It makes me worry that Bruce might not fully see you as Jason Todd. Perhaps that is why he directs his anger towards you more readily than the others. The sad thing is that I'm not entirely certain if I'm just making excuses for him anymore. I know nothing can excuse what he's done, I hope you realize that too. I am not sure if he's aware of that quite yet.

I have done many duties in my life yet I can no longer face this one. I hold my tongue to spare him and myself. I do not wish for him to shut me out, but I do not hold his other relationships in such high regard. In the pretence of neutrality I show my alliance by not saying a word.

I am a coward, Jason.

I do not even know if I can find a means to deliver this letter. No one knows your current location, which is for the best at the moment.

If I could mail this letter...would I?

That is the most damning question of all. 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't think Bruce bringing Jason to his death site is canon anymore but either way Alfred has been dismissive of how much Jason has suffered. He almost had his face burned off!


End file.
